| Another emotastic entry! |
[Oct. 13th, 2008|02:59 am] |
Y'ever go through a bunch of pictures and then see one or two and it feels like someone has just grabbed your heart and squeezed as hard as they can? Yeah I had one of those moments just now. Ow. I think it is because I wasn't expecting them and it reminded me of a time when things were more innocent and less complex.
But on the other hand earlier today I was also looking at pictures and I saw one of HER and the heart-clenching pain was actually a lot less than it has been in the past every time she has crossed my mind. It only took 5 fucking years. Well, four and a half if you don't include the first six or so months when things were good.
I have nothing else to say....I go now. Bye all.
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| Emotastic. |
[Oct. 12th, 2008|02:10 am] |
Remember those entries I posted back in high school about never having someone to hold on Valentine's day and being doomed to single-hood forever? Well, we're back to that, I think. *sigh* I want a lot of kids but if I'm gonna be alone I don't know if I can handle as many as I want. Teachers make SHIT for salary, I may not even be able to support myself in a comfortable lifestyle let alone a bunch of kids. Minimum teacher's salary in Missouri is $25,000 but the average for someone with a Master's degree is about $35,000. Not that much for someone who wants to be able to support herself plus kids. *another sigh* The three things I want in life right now are to find someone that loves me as much as I love them and to spend as long as humanly possible with that person, have kids, and teach. The last one is optional, I would be a stay at home mom if at all possible.
Speaking of the finding someone that loves me as much as I love them thing...I've been thinking about soulmates a lot lately. And the more I think about it the more I believe that I don't think we have just one soulmate. I think we have different soulmates in different parts of our lives. I would write about the ones I think are in my life right now but I am sure someone would get butthurt for thinking they don't fit any of the molds I describe. If you really really want to know then ask but don't get all pissy if I tell you "No" or "I don't know".
So I guess that's all my emotastic ramblings for now. Bai. |
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| haven't done anything like this in a while |
[Oct. 11th, 2008|07:48 pm] |
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
( Shuffle! )
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[Oct. 10th, 2008|09:25 pm] |
I win at LIFE. No, really, I played a game of LIFE on the computer and I won.
Anyway, I still don't have a punching bag. Just another small promise out the window. I am sure if I bitch enough I'll get it eventually but just once I'd like a promise to be kept without me having to constantly remind someone that they made it. Yeah, I know, get a job and get one by myself. Tell that to my doctor who said "no job" because of my spine.
I don't know if I wrote this or not but I am seeing a spine specialist sometime in the future. I need to call Dr. Kline's office and bug them to see if they set it up or not. I'mma be kinda pissed if they didn't.
I think I am still going through an adjustment period with everything. I don't think I've let a lot of things sink in yet. I almost had another panic attack the other night but I kind of held it off and got my mind busy with something else and it subsided. I took a valium before I went to bed so I didn't wake up a few hours later.
I guess I have nothing else to say. So yeah, I go now. Bye all. |
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| More election wank.. |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|12:10 am] |
So, my students have been going to great lengths trying to get me to tell them who I voted for. As far as I can tell: My third period is pretty flatly convinced that I voted for McCain. Sixth period is absolutely sure that I voted for Obama. And I have a couple in first period who seem to think I voted for Barr.
Today, I finally told my sixth period class that if they wanted to know who I've voted for, they just needed to wait until November the 5th. They got all excited, because they thought that they'd convinced me to tell them, until I told them how they could figure it out...
If I came in all puffy eyed and looking like I hadn't gotten any sleep, then they would know I had voted for the other guy. If came in all hoarse and looking like I hadn't gotten any sleep, then they would know that I had voted for the guy who won. |
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[Oct. 10th, 2008|12:50 pm] |
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Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz... You Are a Bette!
You are a Bette -- "I must be strong" Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective. How to Get Along with Me
- * Stand up for yourself... and me.
- * Be confident, strong, and direct.
- * Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
- * Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
- * Give me space to be alone.
- * Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
- * I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
- * When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.
What I Like About Being a Bette
- * being independent and self-reliant
- * being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
- * being courageous, straightforward, and honest
- * getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
- * supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
- * upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a Bette
- * overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
- * being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
- * sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
- * never forgetting injuries or injustices
- * putting too much pressure on myself
- * getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right
Bettes as Children Often
- * are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
- * are sometimes loners
- * seize control so they won't be controlled
- * figure out others' weaknesses
- * attack verbally or physically when provoked
- * take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings
Bettes as Parents
- * are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
- * are sometimes overprotective
- * can be demanding, controlling, and rigid
Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy |
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| last.fm, Increased Limits, Feedback Request, and India Travels |
[Oct. 9th, 2008|04:00 pm] |
Last.fm in Journal Entries
Are you a last.fm user? The updated Music field on the Post an Entry page can now automatically fill in what you're listening to when you write the post. To enable this feature, fill in your last.fm username in the field under Contact Info on the Edit Profile page. This also adds a link to your last.fm profile on your LiveJournal Profile page. Then download the scrobbler client from last.fm. When it's installed, just click the Detect button by the Music field on the Post an Entry page and the scrobbler automatically pulls through the track information of what you're listening to on your music player or music program.
You can also use the feature without downloading the scrobbler client. If you're logged in and listening to last.fm over the Internet, click Detect to pull through the artist and title of the track playing. If the song changes while you're writing your entry, just click Detect again to update the Music field.
And for more musical accompaniment, last.fm also has a widget you can embed in your profile or a journal entry that displays what you're listening to in real time.
Increased Limits for Poll Results and Comments
Back in August we promised an increase in limits for poll results and comments. And now they're here. You can now view more than 2000 votes in the detailed view of poll results, and the limit for comments allowed for a post has been raised to 10,000, up from 5000. After the first 5000 comments, every comment will require a CAPTCHA.
Feedback Request on New Find Your Friends Feature
We're working on an optional feature that will make it easier for you to find out if existing friends in your web-based email contacts are LJ users. Once you find them, you'll be able to quickly add their journals to your Friends page. We know your privacy is very important to you, so we're interested in getting your feedback about this new feature. A full description, including the proposed privacy settings, is available in feedback. Let us know what you think.
India Travels Community
Have you explored the subcontinent? From the heights of the Himalayas to the beaches of Kerala, India is so vast and varied that you'll discover something new wherever you go, no matter how many people have been there before. We've partnered with travel writer Ajay Jain of Kunzum to create a community where you can share your stories, anecdotes, and tips about traveling in India. What was the most amazing thing you saw? Where did you go that can't be found with a Google search? Where do you want to go next? Selected entries will be considered for publication (with full credit, and only if you give permission) in travel books about India. So whether you've been to India, want to go to India, or aspire to write about India, you should take a trip over to ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/partnercomm.gif) india_travels.
And More
There's lots of other stuff going on, too. See ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) lj_releases to get all the details. |
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| ...a secret. Well, it was anyway. |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|11:37 pm] |
I've never been an especially partisan voter. In fact, I can't think of a single election that I have voted in where every candidate has been from the same party, or even from the same side of the political spectrum, including this one.
But this election.. something is different.
Maybe it's that our economy is in the fucking toilet. Or I'm tired of the fearmongering and the idiocy that we've dealt with for the last eight years. Or any of a zillion other things, but.. well..
I honestly don't think I want to be friends with anyone who votes for McCain*Palin in this election. Other Republicans in other races? Sure. Ron Paul write-ins? But of course. But.. McCain*Palin, honestly.. I think not.
I'm not talking about some bullshit Internet drama.. I just mean that I don't want to associate with them anymore in, well... really any context. After all the shit that's gone on in this election so far, anyone that could be informed and still vote for them has values and priorities so radically different than mine that I really just don't want to associate with them. And, in this election cycle, with all the shit that is going on* , any uninformed voter that votes for their ticket.. that votes for the candidates most likely to get us into more wars** based on base party loyalty or some even more bullshit reason***, well.. see above.
It doesn't necessarily say anything about their value as human beings, I mean.. who the fuck am I anyway? Hardly the model for the perfect human. But, it is what it is.
I don't think my friendship is important enough to anyone that it would shift their vote for president, or I wouldn't feel comfortable saying this. And, really, I still don't feel comfortable saying this. And, I mean, I'd never ask actually anyone who they voted for. But, this is still how I feel. And, I'm really not sure how I feel about that.
* war, economy, social bullshit, soforth
** barring some "Lets go fuck shit up!" party that I missed somehow
*** "You know he's a Muslim, right? It's in his blood." |
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| Holy crap voter participation! |
[Oct. 7th, 2008|10:57 pm] |
So, I went ahead and voted last night. I knew who I was going to vote for in all the races I actually gave a damn about and I didn't want to wait in line for eleventy-billion hours on election day (yes, I know that's technically impossible).
I've never seen anything like this for voting before.
( A couple phone pics )
I couldn't get a picture of the third part of the long ass line or the fourth part of the long ass line, because the latter was past the no-phone line and the former was while I was talking to this older gentleman about getting out the vote and the virtues of splitting your votes versus straight ticket voting in the balance v. getting shit done debate.
All in all, it only took about 30 minutes, despite the massive line. They had about 50 voting machines set up in the Dekalb office, so it scooted along nicely. |
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| Drifting. |
[Oct. 7th, 2008|09:19 pm] |
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*sigh* I hate it when someone says "we won't drift apart"...then we do. I don't know how to keep us from drifting apart, I try to push it back together but then I feel like that just makes it worse. I don't want to lose it all over again. |
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| Dreams |
[Oct. 5th, 2008|11:36 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Here's to the Night - Eve 6 | ] |
Visitation is tonight. Family from 5-6 and open doors from 6-8. For some reason every time I have been into Null & Son I just don't feel comfortable. I dunno why. It feels so...stiff. Like...there's no warmth, it's like just...cold. All the things I went to at Kordes felt much better, I wish they hadn't closed. It felt warmer in there, more comforting. I am a bit apprehensive, actually. I have not done the full-on family thing since Grandpa in 2002. Aunt Thelma was all graveside, just quick stuff.
In other news, my brain needs to STOP IT NAO PLZ. I mean come on, seriously, it's been months since I had a dream about her. Why all of a sudden now? It was totally unprovoked.
I saw her on a bench at Ber Juan park and I wanted to sit down so bad because I was tired and there were no other benches around so I just sat at the opposite end of it and I was reading a book. She started scooting closer to me until she was like pushed up against me and I turned to her and said "Something tells me you are trying to get my attention." Then we just started talking. We just talked about life and stuff.
I don't remember the exact conversation but the thing is I felt so great while we were talking. I always feel good when I dream about us just talking. ALWAYS. I don't even know how to contact her anymore. I doubt she'd want to talk to me anyway, I really don't know. Seriously, why can't I just let go? I thought I let go, I really did. I feel nothing for her. Maybe it's because I am starting to try to get in touch with people I lost contact with or am trying to strengthen a lot of my friendships that have been deteriorating over the past few years. I don't know, I really just do not know.
Anyways, that's about it right now. I go now. Bye all.
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| also.. |
[Oct. 4th, 2008|12:43 pm] |
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) nacho_cheese posted a vid from Huffington Post... which led me to reading a seperate article on how JMC could still win. it's really interesting & idk if any of you have seen this article or read it yet. i'd like to see what you think of it..
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin discussing when she would deploy "nucular weaponry," the "be-all, end-all of just too many people in too many parts of our planet," as she put it in last night's vice presidential debate. She never actually answers the question.
So, you think it looks really good for Barack Obama. Well, maybe so. After all, the economy is in the tank, he's moving ahead in battleground states, John McCain has backed off his big attempt to win Michigan (where Obama never campaigned in the primary and which, until recently, had a disgraced African American mayor of one of America's most dysfunctional big cities). Sarah Palin, though she didn't further humiliate herself in last night's debate, clearly lost to Joe Biden. Oh, and the economy is in the dumper, credit markets are locked down, and McCain is tightly tied to the administration which not only mismanaged the US economy but also not one, but two wars.
And yet, Barack Obama can still lose this election. Though I'm not planning to head over to Vegas to shoot craps (John McCain's favorite), or indulge in any other form of gambling on that deal.
Here are 12 key reasons why this is still not over.
** Steve Schmidt is Mike Martz. John McCain's campaign director, the sort of Karl Rove acolyte who doesn't like that notion, though he ran the Bush/Cheney war room in 2004, who I know very well from his turnaround management of Arnold Schwarzenegger's landslide 2006 re-election as California's governor. He is the national political equivalent -- at least in this crazy race -- of the NFL coach Mike Martz. "Mad Mike," as he's known, was the master of the hurry-up-offense and the trick play as the coach of the "Greatest Show On Turf," the famed St. Louis Rams offense of the late '90s and early part of this decade. I won't bore you with football talk, or the details of what actually underlies what Schmidt is up to -- something I discussed with him at length two years ago called "the Boyd Cycle," a theory of warfare developed by retired Air Force Colonel John Boyd that is focused on a series of very rapid analyses and disorienting moves-- but suffice it to say that McCain was dead in the water when Schmidt took over three months ago and then bedeviled Obama constantly until the present financial fiasco. The one other thing I'll say about the Mike Martz offense is that all its inherent risk-taking allows an aggressive opponent to sack the quarterback on a regular basis.
CONTINUED HERE......
also:
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| Shudder |
[Oct. 3rd, 2008|03:06 pm] |
I'm so hungover today it's crazy..went to a club last night. I met a boy. He's so utterly adorable...
Last night I made plans with the newest girl to join my work, Kate (I call her Russia Kate cause you know-she's russian haha) to go out to a club in Trenton after I got out of work. I freaked because I didn't have anything nice to wear and Kate told me that this place is nice so I bought a cute bubble dress from work, and silver heels to go with it. I get to the club, and everyone is dressed normal. UGH I overdressed! haha, it was alright though-other than the fact that I had to keep yanking the dress up and my bra was sliding down my ribs.
I had one too many shots to drink for sure. There was a local band playing called the Benders. They were actually a good cover band, and I immediately set my sights on their drummer because he was cute (god, seriously-what is it about them that I absolutely love? haha). Well, Kate goes up to him and does a little talking. I'm over by the bar hiding my face because I'm kinda mortified that she's trying to hook me up with him since I'm a chickenshit and won't do it myself. Well, I glance over at his hand and of course there's a fucking ring on it. Damn! Oh well. We're dancing and taking crazy ass pictures, then Kate sees this guy and starts talking to him. Turns out he's a ballroom dancer like her and they go off and start dancing and making out and junk. I'm there and start talking to his poor friend-who looks completely out of place. He notices my Bayside tat and asks about it, completely stunned that I even have one-let alone that I know who the band is. Turns out he's really into them too and we start to talk about music and cars and everything else. I can't remember a lot because I was so fucking wasted at this point. I did ask him (before I got extremely hammered) if I could crash at his place and save me the hour ride home I had to make after the club closed. He had no problem with it, so I proceeded to get completely obliterated. Haha, I didn't mean to, they completely snuck up on me. I wake up this morning, and the room is still spinning. He leaves to go to work and says he will come back on his lunch break to see if I'm alright. His name is Justin and he owns his own house. He rides motocross, and he loves my music. He has a freaking BMW (actually 2-he's selling the other one) and an old motorcycle. He's a financial advisor for some company by princeton. He went to Penn State and graduated. So anyway, he comes home at noon and I'm still half passed out in his bed (in a tshirt he gave me last night because he actually had respect for me and didn't try anything) and he asks how I'm feeling.
"How much water have you had since I left?" he asks me. I point to the water bottle that's pretty much empty from the night before he gave me so I didn't get sick. "You silly girl. You need more, you want some aspirin too?" Holy shit. where the hell was this guy a year ago before I met Matt?? haha seriously. I'm basically a stranger to him and he lets me stay in his house while he's at work, doesn't try to sleep with me or anything the night before, and takes care of me after I'm hungover. I literally looked at him and said "You are completely adorable".
He burned me the new Bayside CD (which is damn good) and is begging me to go to the Philly show to see them and meet up with him during it. I may consider it...
I once again pulled the 'well you're not going to call me' card. I told him that too, he looked at me and said 'You like good music and you know about racing and cars. You're a very interesting girl, and cool as hell. Don't think I'm not going to call you cause I will.' I stole his pajamas too because I didn't want to walk outside in my dress.
I hope so..
Later.
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| Spine |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|11:05 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Taking Chances - Celine Dion | ] |
So I saw the orthopedic doctor again today. He is stumped, the therapists are stumped, everyone is fucking stumped. So he is referring me to a spine doctor. Pain relief nao plz!!! Yeah. I think that's all I have to say. Bai. |
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| ...I'm not listening to Tony, b/c I'm watching the debates. |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|10:00 pm] |
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But oh.. Joe Biden.. I think I love you like a folksy, gruff, grandpa. |
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| Kickboxing |
[Oct. 1st, 2008|10:42 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | There Goes My Life - Kenny Chesney | ] |
So I saw my therapist and she doesn't want me on medication right now. She says that this is probably all still effects of the panic attack and what triggered it. If I'm not feeling a lot better in a couple weeks she said to call her and we'll see about going back on the anti-depressant. She also says that I might benefit from kickboxing lessons and a punching bag.
I am still crashing at night though...therapist said that is probably still part of the side effects. I try to concentrate on something and it just doesn't work, I just keep thinking. I guess it is better than thinking 24/7. Hopefully I'll cease thinking about it altogether eventually. I don't know. I am going to go work on my study guide now I suppose. Bye all. |
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| What do you say to taking chances? |
[Sep. 29th, 2008|11:14 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Taking Chances - Celine Dion | ] |
So the visitation isn't until Sunday night, 6-8 and the funeral is Monday morning at 10. They have to wait so long because Null & Son (the funeral home) had like 6 deaths on Sunday and all of them were before my grandma so those all got scheduled first.
I've been listening to Celine Dion lately. Taking Chances is my current obsession. Listen to the awesome for yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DUHxHwkgnM
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
That's about it. I go now. Bye all. |
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